My new story is first person, but interspersed within the story are letters and journal entries from her boyfriend's journal. This is one of them. I know you can hear my voice in this.
“I WILL REMEMBER YOUR SMALL ROOM, THE FEEL OF YOU, THE LIGHT IN THE WINDOW, YOUR RECORDS, YOUR BOOKS, OUR MORNING COFFEE, OUR NOONS OUR NIGHTS, OUR BODIES SPILLED TOGETHER, SLEEPING, THE TINY FLOWING CURRENTS, IMMEDIATE AND FOREVER, YOUR LEG MY LEG, YOUR ARM MY ARM, YOUR SMILE AND THE WARMTH OF YOU WHO MADE ME LAUGH AGAIN.”
CHARLES BUKOWSKI
When I was a child, beauty and magic was everywhere. I found it in the big yard, in forests and rocks and waters. Sometime after I had become what is considered an adult, I lost the beauty and magic. At first I didn’t realize it was gone, just that everything about life irritated or prickled or drew blood. This was a slow time where the beauty and magic would occasionally flirt with me while I was under the influence of one thing or another, but it would escape, slipping from my fingers. I would be left with the still gripping hand, saying “What was that? For a second, I remembered something…”
Eventually, the darkness became so intense that I could never see those snatches of beauty and magic. I sought the catharsis of other things, various distractions that reminded my unconscious mind of the hidden, the forgotten, the treasure of my life. Time
passed, and as it did, it became apparent to me that the world and its outside forces were not the root of my problem, it came from within. The memory of the beauty and magic returned with full force, and instead of being a comfort, it became a tormentor.
It taunted me with its smells in a warm spring day or the solemn silence of watching snow fall on a holy winter night. It hung and wavered like crepe paper streamers left after a party; just shreds of the happy times gone past.
I rack my memory. How did I see the beauty and magic when I was a child? How did it leave me? Or worse still, is it so buried and hidden and remote that it is impossible to retrieve? I live in a shell of what I was, an empty room that echoes and stills and remembers what used to be but is no more.
So I follow the song’s advice and party ‘til I pass out, drink ‘til your dead but it hasn’t happened yet. I’m waiting; either for the death or the complete madness that brings the beauty and magic back to me.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
So what? It's Christmas
1. What natural disasters (earthquakes, tsunami, volcanoes, wildfires, tornadoes, hurricanes/typhoons/cyclones, floods, landslides, etc) is your area prone to?
Hurricanes. Last summer we felt the DC earthquake. My sister. Yeah...
2. What natural disasters have you experienced firsthand?
Hurricanes. In particular, Hurricane Fran, 1996.
This is Oak Island, NC. where my family's beach house was, before we sold it in 2005. The worst thing I saw was this little crushed house that still bore it's name sign:
Our Dream. I don't know if I have ever cried so hard in my life as I did at that sight.
3. Have you ever been evacuated due to a natural disaster?
Back in the seventies, we were down during a hurricane. A Coast Guard officer came to our door. I remember his yellow slicker blowing in the furious winds. He told us to evacuate and Daddy said we'd be all right. The officer took out a clip board and asked him the name and number of our next of kin. When we left (and we did) the water was coming across the road and sea foam blew around like cotton.
4. Have you made/do you make any special preparations in case of natural disaster where you live?
No. Just know it is coming, and that wait for the endless howls of the wind.
5. What type of natural disaster scares you the most?
The hurricanes used to, but since the house is no longer my own I don't fear them as much. Of course, I know that if I discovered it had been destroyed (along with the pieces of my heart I left in there) I would be crushed.
Hurricanes. Last summer we felt the DC earthquake. My sister. Yeah...
2. What natural disasters have you experienced firsthand?
Hurricanes. In particular, Hurricane Fran, 1996.
This is Oak Island, NC. where my family's beach house was, before we sold it in 2005. The worst thing I saw was this little crushed house that still bore it's name sign:
Our Dream. I don't know if I have ever cried so hard in my life as I did at that sight.
3. Have you ever been evacuated due to a natural disaster?
Back in the seventies, we were down during a hurricane. A Coast Guard officer came to our door. I remember his yellow slicker blowing in the furious winds. He told us to evacuate and Daddy said we'd be all right. The officer took out a clip board and asked him the name and number of our next of kin. When we left (and we did) the water was coming across the road and sea foam blew around like cotton.
4. Have you made/do you make any special preparations in case of natural disaster where you live?
No. Just know it is coming, and that wait for the endless howls of the wind.
5. What type of natural disaster scares you the most?
The hurricanes used to, but since the house is no longer my own I don't fear them as much. Of course, I know that if I discovered it had been destroyed (along with the pieces of my heart I left in there) I would be crushed.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Friday Five, two days late and a dollar short
1.Where have you been that could best be described as a winter wonderland?
Ha! No where, really. My back yard? This winter has seen more snow than I can remember in a long time, maybe ever.
2.In what way might you describe this as the winter of your discontent?
Oh, BUDDY. My husband has been in the hospital twice: once with gall bladder removal which turned out to have complications, then again two weeks later he spent four more days in with pancreatitis. I got a really bad cold. My Aunt Carol Bryant died. BCBS yanked us around some more about Bryant's hidradenitis treatments. Should I go on?
3.What was the last wintergreen-flavored thing you tasted?
Frost mints. But Andy ate most of them! :D
4.Is there anyone in your life who could be nicknamed Old Man Winter?
Heh heh heh...
5.Now that the holidays have passed, is there anything good about the winter that remains?
I hate the After Christmas blahs. I always feel as if I didn't do up the holidays "hard" enough...you know? People talk about being so busy with friends and parties and gift buying and making special treats. we never seem to be involved in any of that. I actually planned my wedding for February because I felt like it would give me something to look forward to after the holidays. Our 22nd anniversary was Friday. Oh well. :D
Ha! No where, really. My back yard? This winter has seen more snow than I can remember in a long time, maybe ever.
2.In what way might you describe this as the winter of your discontent?
Oh, BUDDY. My husband has been in the hospital twice: once with gall bladder removal which turned out to have complications, then again two weeks later he spent four more days in with pancreatitis. I got a really bad cold. My Aunt Carol Bryant died. BCBS yanked us around some more about Bryant's hidradenitis treatments. Should I go on?
3.What was the last wintergreen-flavored thing you tasted?
Frost mints. But Andy ate most of them! :D
4.Is there anyone in your life who could be nicknamed Old Man Winter?
Heh heh heh...
5.Now that the holidays have passed, is there anything good about the winter that remains?
I hate the After Christmas blahs. I always feel as if I didn't do up the holidays "hard" enough...you know? People talk about being so busy with friends and parties and gift buying and making special treats. we never seem to be involved in any of that. I actually planned my wedding for February because I felt like it would give me something to look forward to after the holidays. Our 22nd anniversary was Friday. Oh well. :D
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New year, some new stuff
We went out and bought a new sofa and love seat to replace the 18 year old set we had.
Tripp has always wanted a recliner since we moved into the new house and had a den AND a living room. The den is a reclaimed bedroom, and it's small. We could not fit a recliner in the room along with the sofa and love seat. So, this time we bought a reclining love seat and sofa. You can lie around like a slug in several different positions now.
Tripp has always wanted a recliner since we moved into the new house and had a den AND a living room. The den is a reclaimed bedroom, and it's small. We could not fit a recliner in the room along with the sofa and love seat. So, this time we bought a reclining love seat and sofa. You can lie around like a slug in several different positions now.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Friday Five, the Final 2010 edition
2010 is almost over.
I would enter a sound file here, but I am too lazy.
1. Name one thing you do everyday:
Tell someone that I love them. I have experienced losing a very close loved one when we had just had an argument, so this is of utmost importance to me. You never know if you might not see that person again.
2. Name two things you wish you could learn.
Math and how to be tidy. I am retarded at math (ask anyone) and a huge slob. Not nasty. Just a slob. Clothes everywhere. Mail everywhere. Everything everywhere. I don't have time to be neat. If I was able to stay at home, then yeah. But not with my job.
3. Name three things that remind you of your childhood:
TV and music from the 70's, the smell of pipe tobacco, and Summer.
4. Name four things you love to eat but rarely do.
Lobster, fried shrimp, macaroni and cheese, and fried bay scallops. Screw those huge ocean scallops.
5. Name five things that make you feel good.
The sun on my head, the sound of the ocean, digging my toes into beach sand, waking up in my camper, a hot shower when you're cold, and a good meal.
I would enter a sound file here, but I am too lazy.
1. Name one thing you do everyday:
Tell someone that I love them. I have experienced losing a very close loved one when we had just had an argument, so this is of utmost importance to me. You never know if you might not see that person again.
2. Name two things you wish you could learn.
Math and how to be tidy. I am retarded at math (ask anyone) and a huge slob. Not nasty. Just a slob. Clothes everywhere. Mail everywhere. Everything everywhere. I don't have time to be neat. If I was able to stay at home, then yeah. But not with my job.
3. Name three things that remind you of your childhood:
TV and music from the 70's, the smell of pipe tobacco, and Summer.
4. Name four things you love to eat but rarely do.
Lobster, fried shrimp, macaroni and cheese, and fried bay scallops. Screw those huge ocean scallops.
5. Name five things that make you feel good.
The sun on my head, the sound of the ocean, digging my toes into beach sand, waking up in my camper, a hot shower when you're cold, and a good meal.
I like to think of myself as a non-violent person. But when I get angry, I revert to my reptilian brain, and I need to slap someone.
It's usually someone who can really press my buttons. Someone who knows me well enough to know exactly what will piss me off the most.
Today it's my son.
He messed around and did not register for next semester. Now he has to...wait, I'll have to hustle him up so he can register and pay Monday morning. I have nagged him since November to register, and he gave me that "I will! I will! Gah!" Then it turned to "I did already!" When I asked what classes or how many hours so I could pay the bill, he demurred and always said "I don't remember."
Color me suspicious.
Finally, my Daddy got after him. I relayed the message to His Majesty that his grandfather requested an audience with him, regarding his Further Higher Education. Great drama ensues. I go to play with my E Reader for a while. Time passes. I went in his room and he is fervently on line trying to register for classes. Ah ha! The worm turns. So, after some back and forthing, seems he will not be able to register until January 3rd, when the school opens again. The last day to pay for classes is January 4th. Oh ho! What an extended time frame we have to work with!
Then today...
I went into his room and asked him for a Hershey Kiss, of which my sister gave him several bags for Christmas. He was sitting at that damn World of Warcraft and he looks at me like "NO." But he said "Why?"
Why do you think? I didn't say that, but I said "Can I please have a Kiss?"
He sat there and mocked my expression, blinking at me and turning his head around like a girl. Then he ignored me. Look, I cannot stand for someone to make me feel stupid, and this 18 year old snip of my DNA was making me feel stupid. Yes, yes, yes, I know that no one can make me feel ANY way, that I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul, blah blah...but we're still human. And he is in the Button Pusher category. I just said "You know, you're mean. Let me know how this being mean crap works out for you.", and I went out the door and slammed the Hell out of it.
I guess I need to reel it in. But dammit, have some respect and some gratitude. You live in your own room with anything you want, you drive a car and you know as long as you go to school and make decent grades you won't have to work.
Yeah, he's spoiled. He's an only child on purpose. (We knew it would be impossible to send multiple kids to college, so we made the conscious decision that one kid was enough. And I didn't want any more kids.) Not to mention the fact that he is an only grandchild, which is even worse than being an only child. So he's rotten. But he has manners and knows what is polite and impolite. I guess it's just safe to be a jackass to people who won't reject you.
I see so much of who I used to be in him. I wish he could stop and think like it took me years to do and correct these kinds of behavior that I used to foist on other people. We have to reach a point where we realize it isn't everybody else in the world that's being a douche to us: we're the douche.
It's usually someone who can really press my buttons. Someone who knows me well enough to know exactly what will piss me off the most.
Today it's my son.
He messed around and did not register for next semester. Now he has to...wait, I'll have to hustle him up so he can register and pay Monday morning. I have nagged him since November to register, and he gave me that "I will! I will! Gah!" Then it turned to "I did already!" When I asked what classes or how many hours so I could pay the bill, he demurred and always said "I don't remember."
Color me suspicious.
Finally, my Daddy got after him. I relayed the message to His Majesty that his grandfather requested an audience with him, regarding his Further Higher Education. Great drama ensues. I go to play with my E Reader for a while. Time passes. I went in his room and he is fervently on line trying to register for classes. Ah ha! The worm turns. So, after some back and forthing, seems he will not be able to register until January 3rd, when the school opens again. The last day to pay for classes is January 4th. Oh ho! What an extended time frame we have to work with!
Then today...
I went into his room and asked him for a Hershey Kiss, of which my sister gave him several bags for Christmas. He was sitting at that damn World of Warcraft and he looks at me like "NO." But he said "Why?"
Why do you think? I didn't say that, but I said "Can I please have a Kiss?"
He sat there and mocked my expression, blinking at me and turning his head around like a girl. Then he ignored me. Look, I cannot stand for someone to make me feel stupid, and this 18 year old snip of my DNA was making me feel stupid. Yes, yes, yes, I know that no one can make me feel ANY way, that I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul, blah blah...but we're still human. And he is in the Button Pusher category. I just said "You know, you're mean. Let me know how this being mean crap works out for you.", and I went out the door and slammed the Hell out of it.
I guess I need to reel it in. But dammit, have some respect and some gratitude. You live in your own room with anything you want, you drive a car and you know as long as you go to school and make decent grades you won't have to work.
Yeah, he's spoiled. He's an only child on purpose. (We knew it would be impossible to send multiple kids to college, so we made the conscious decision that one kid was enough. And I didn't want any more kids.) Not to mention the fact that he is an only grandchild, which is even worse than being an only child. So he's rotten. But he has manners and knows what is polite and impolite. I guess it's just safe to be a jackass to people who won't reject you.
I see so much of who I used to be in him. I wish he could stop and think like it took me years to do and correct these kinds of behavior that I used to foist on other people. We have to reach a point where we realize it isn't everybody else in the world that's being a douche to us: we're the douche.
Monday, December 27, 2010
A "Five". Screw the day of the week...
1.When you’re sick in bed, do you prefer to be left alone or to be taken care of?
Leave. me. alone. Until I call for you. They you better move like that ass is on fire.
2.How difficult or cooperative are you as a patient?
Oh, my God, I am compliant. Give me drugs, give me shots, give me an IV if you must, just get me better.
3.It’s just a really bad cold so all you can do is ride it out. What are your strategies?
Leave. me. alone. Until I call for you. They you better move like that ass is on fire.
2.How difficult or cooperative are you as a patient?
Oh, my God, I am compliant. Give me drugs, give me shots, give me an IV if you must, just get me better.
3.It’s just a really bad cold so all you can do is ride it out. What are your strategies?
Usually I go to work. This way I get more bang for my buck...or virus, as it were, and I can knock a few kids out with it! Ah, I jest. Being diabetic and having a kid with a disease that requires regular doctor visits, I can't squander my sicks days. so I soldier on.
4.How ill do you have to feel in order to shut it down for the day?
4.How ill do you have to feel in order to shut it down for the day?
Really? Well, it depends. If it's been a long long stretch with no vacation days, I might have to jet for a small thing. Usually though, I've had a doctor's appointment or my son has (and his are at Duke, so it's a major gotta-get-out-and -go-type thing) in the recent past, so I am cool. Now, back before I started teaching the academically gifted kids...hell, I could be having a bad hair day.
5.Waves of nausea are washing over you and through you. Do you fight them off, or do you just throw up to get it over with?
5.Waves of nausea are washing over you and through you. Do you fight them off, or do you just throw up to get it over with?
Oh, God, go ahead and shout Europe at the sink. Why stave off the inevitable? I've always been an easy puker. Lately, though, I will try and try and it just won't happen for me. I guess since last March's Barfest 2010 my body figures I've had enough vomiting for the year.
The above is really needed in my home. Usually one or the other kitty (and you can tell which one by the...expulsion) will have a hurk in the morning as I go to work and I am too late to clean it up. I need a tent sign to put over it 'til afternoon.
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